When I grow up

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A little over a week ago I watched my baby brother graduate university. Proud doesn’t even cover how i felt. Watching him stand up there in the daggy cap and gown accepting his certificate, graduating top of his class was amazing. As I saw his trademark beaming grin flash up on the big screen over the stage, I remembered a bunch of childhood memories we shared and just felt so happy for him. 

Rob is almost 28. He finished high school with amazing grades and headed off to Uni only to decide a little while later that what he was doing wasn’t where he wanted to be. So he made plans and had dreams and for next few years kicked ass. He’s the only person I know that has, what seemed to be, far out dreams and actually achieve them. He wanted to work for Apple, so he did. He wanted to work in the US, so he did (for Apple). He went back to Uni and completed his 4 year degree in 2 years, landed a spectacular job before he’d even finished his studies, moved to Sydney and soon will be heading off to Vietnam to work for 3 months.

Proud? Still doesn’t cover it.

He amazes me every day.

Rob and I graduation

As I sat in the big auditorium filled with ridiculously delighted family and friends, I glanced around the rows and rows of graduates. They were excited, relieved, happy and nervous. They have their whole lives ahead of them. So many amazing things await them. Their futures look so blindingly bright. And it made me think.

What do I want to be when I grow up?

I’m 34 years old and still don’t know.

I did ok at school. When I finished I didn’t go to Uni. I didn’t want to. I didn’t see the point of signing up for years of study when I had no idea what I wanted to do or be. I started working a few months after I finished school and stayed with that company for 10 years. I did really there too, receiving 5 promotions and when I left to have my first bubba I was in running my department. It wasn’t until I’d been away from it for a few months that I realised that wasn’t what I wanted to do.

I started studying, of all things, counselling. Having been married to a gambling addict and all that that entails, I thought I could help others. I finished my studies and was asked to complete a Bachelor degree. Then I decided I really didn’t want to head in that direction.

Back to square one.

I’d always wanted to be a police officer. I never went ahead with because well, basically I chickened out. So what now?

I have a job. It’s not my dream job but I’m grateful to be working. I write here and I truly love it but it’s a free thing and not something that will pay any bills.

I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

I don’t even know how I would work out what I want to do. Sure, I have ideas but I’m also my own worst critic and shut down most of my ideas pretty much as soon as they pop into my head.

Someone once told me to write down a list of things I love to do and then see if I can find work based around my list. I love the beach but I’m not about to be a life saver. I love being creative, I love being around creative people, I love to write, I enjoy creating things on my trusty Mac. Maybe I could pursue writing or design or something?

I don’t know.

Does anyone else feel like this? That where you are isn’t exactly where you want to be? That you feel like there’s something else out there for you but you can’t quite work out what is it or how to get there?

K xx

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2 thoughts on “When I grow up

  1. I’m the same. Not inspired by work at the moment but not sure where to go. I have a job that’s great for my kids so that definitely plays into my thinking. Good luck with your thoughts.

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