The dating update

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Oooohhhhh so much to tell you!

And by so much, I mean nothing. At all. Other than the taste of disappointment every time I glance at the dating site I stupidly put myself on.

I’m not that picky. Truly I’m not. Those who know me and my previous “selections” will totally vouch for me. I may have had no standards whatsoever.

I have decided I should probably up my standards a little bit. I have a list as long as the grey hair I frantically ripped from my head this morning of all the qualities and types I do not want. I should probably be a little more positive and try and create a list of what I do want. There are some definite deal breakers though.

For starters, teeth. I’m sorry, call me old fashioned but I like my man to have a full set of chompers. Or at least more than 3. I’m already over this whole tooth fairy gig with my eldest son, I’m sure as shit not doing it with my partner.

Bathroom selfies as profile pics. Sweet baby cheeses, you are supposedly grown men and surely, you have other rooms in your house.  And are you aware that you do not require a mirror to take your own photo…. just saying.

A reader. I don’t mean a totally boring book nerd, just someone who enjoys a good book every now and then. With more words than pictures. And when the dating site asked the question “What books have you read lately” – the correct answer is absolutely not “Nun. I don’t do reeding”… (I’m not even kidding).

A sense of humour. I love a good laugh and I totally crack myself up but it would be nice to have someone else who appreciates a good sense of humour and is as equally quick witted as my good self 😉 Again, plastering all over your dating profile how funny a good “fart joke” is, is not working for me.

The ‘th” factor. Please be aware that the words are not “sumfing”, “nuffing” or “anyfink”. That is all.

Must be handy. Because I’m not. I’ve had blown light globes for about a year because they’re in a stupid spot that requires a ladder. Nope.

Loves to try new things. I’m not saying this in a “Mr Grey will see you now” kind of way. At all. No red room for me. I love finding new restaurants or cafes or fun new places for a day trip or new foods or music or anything. Be a little open to adventure and excitement is all I’m saying. Except secret rooms behind secret doors. Nope again.

Space. I love mine. As much as I like being in a “couple” if I don’t get the occasional time to myself I may lose my banana at you.

Clothing. I don’t need fancy or suave all the time and by all means be comfortable and happy with what you’re in. But if we’re going out for dinner and you rock up in your very best ripped singlet and boardies with odd socks and running shoes we’re not going.

Younger people speak. Please do not say lol, totes or soz. Ever.

A grown up. I already have kids so I really don’t want to be a parent to a man-child. Been there, done that and not doing it again.

Thoughtful. I don’t need flowers and chocolates (much). But it would be nice if someone was thoughtful enough every now and then to maybe organise something on their own. For example, if I came home one day and he said “Hi, how was your day? I thought we could do with a night out so I’ve booked us a table at your favourite restaurant”, it’s quite possible I would spontaneously combust with glee.

Am I being fussy? Is this all too much to ask? Are there actually any men out there like this? 

To be truthful, I’m not really looking. The dating website is not for me. I’m kind of happy with the way things are at the moment. I’m not totally poo-pooing the thought of meeting someone but I’m also not sitting at home all Bridget Jonesy (except maybe the nana pants part). It’ll happen one day but a girl can still have an idea of what she wants, right?

What are your deal breakers?

K xx

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