You may or may not have noticed that I’ve had a few days away from the blog. My juggling skills have let me down and I’ve totally dropped all the balls. Sadly, I’m not destined for the circus.
I’ve had a lot on with work, the boys and family and then there’s my usual habit of overthinking and over analysing until my brain decides it’s had enough and instead of doing what I need to do, I just kinda sit here.
I need a bit of balance. I appear to have it all sorted and together but most days I feel like a bit of a fraud. I’m freaking awesome at organising everyone and everything around me but when it comes to sorting myself out, not so much. I guess that’s a pretty typical mum thing though isn’t it? We make sure everyone else is covered and tend to put ourselves last.
It’s all a little overwhelming sometimes. You know that feeling when it all seems like it’s piling on top of you? I feel I’ve gotten lazy. I’ve been putting things in the “too hard basked” and now the basket is overflowing. I have a “to do” list about 18 kilometres long and the only time I take a look at it is when I’m adding something else to it. And then I stress out about the list because I know it’s there and I know how much is on it but for some idiotic reason I can’t get to it. I focus on the wrong things, the unimportant things, things I cannot change and things that don’t need the attention I give them. I don’t look after myself very well which, as a single mother, I feel is pretty stupid. I make too many excuses. I can be a total hypocrite. I spew all this advice to my kids about not worrying what other people think and that you should give everything 110% – and I worry too much what others think and I’m not giving 110% at all.
I know what I need to do, what I want to do, and the only thing standing in my way is me.
My boys are happy and safe and loved. I am safe and loved and overall, we’re doing pretty ok.
But sometimes it’s not enough. Sometimes just “ok” is not enough.
I need to eat better. I need to exercise. I need to follow through. I need to get out more. I need to stop being on my phone so much. I need to play in the park and walk on the beach more. I need to stop being so shitty about things I cannot change. I need to learn to accept more things. I need to stop focusing on why I can’t and think about why I can. I need to stop worrying and procrastinating and putting things off and overthinking. I need to breath more. I need to be more positive, not just sound it. I need to be more present. I need to not be so lost. I need to say no out loud instead of screaming it in my head and saying yes out loud. I need to let shit go. I need to be more patient. I need to live my own life, my own truth. All of this would make me feel better, feel like a better person which in turn would probably make me be a better mum. How can I be a great mum when I’m feeling so bloody all over the place?
I’m not being hard on myself, this is not a pity party (I don’t to pity very well when it’s directed my way). I’m just being honest. Maybe writing this down and sharing it with you with encourage action.
I’m going to start a new list. Write everything down, all of it. I’m going to start ticking things off instead of putting things off.
I need to stop sitting on my hands and getting in my own way. I need to. I want to.
What do you need? What do you want? What do you do when you drop the balls?
Thank you for letting me ramble….