Lessons learned when I had a baby

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{FYI this is an old pic, not current!! It’s my eldest, Jack, aka Jellybean at the time}

When you’re preggers, not only are you growing a human but you also become a magnet for a crap tonne of “useful” advice. Some I listened to, some I didn’t and some I really should have paid attention to.

I’m not prudish, at all, but I remember having a conversation with a good friend about showing your bits to strangers when you’re in labour at the hospital. She told me that by that stage you really just don’t care who sees what and I distinctly recall telling her that wouldn’t be me.

Then I had my first man sized baby.

After about 612 hours (possible exaggeration) I was pretty much inviting people to the show. “Hey you!!!  You have not yet seen my lady parts, come on over!”. Or something like that.

Anyway, following the arrival of my perfect, beautiful, sweet, angelic, body ruining, sleep stealing, over sized bundles of pure joy, I picked up a few tips…….

Shampoo in a can: useful for when you have had bugger all sleep and you just can’t bothered having a shower in the morning. Or the next day. Batiste is a great brand FYI.

Getting the groceries home delivered:  apparently it’s frowned upon to head off to your local supermarket in trackies, no bra and a vomit and milk stained ugly t-shirt. So let some other person do the dirty work for you. Useful for when you feel like ass, you refuse to put normal clothes on and you’ve run out of shampoo in a can.

Baby wipes:  they clean butts, faces and houses. Best invention ever. And the Homebrand ones are fine, and way cheaper.

A set top box recorder: tape all kinds of shit and watch it during late night feeds because the home shopping channels are dangerous.

Febreeze, candles and oil burners: because something surely has to mask the smell of poop and milk throw up that never seems to stop flowing from their teeny tiny backsides and faces.

Lean Cuisine: my attempt at healthy eating. Half of the “meals” taste like disappointment but they take 4 minutes in a microwave and I don’t have to cook it.

Mineral makeup powder: I use Bare Minerals. A little container lasts forever and it takes 5 seconds to apply. When you don’t have much time but you want to feel slightly less “over tired emotional basket case” and a little more “hey I’m actually a lady”, this is the stuff.

Periods after you have a baby: I was probably warned and clearly didn’t pay attention to the people telling me what I would experience. That being weeks of torrential downpours so great you begin to be concerned you’re losing internal organs. Oh and the queen size posturepedic mattresses you’re required to wear in your pants.

The chuck rag: because who needs pretty accessories when you can be walking around with a vomit covered towel casually thrown over your shoulder. At least get different coloured ones, and rock that shit.

The house will look like crap: in the words of those annoying, screechy, frost bitten girls from some kids movie I was forced to see – let it go. Everyone knows you’ve had a baby and those that matter will not care. Get to it when you can and don’t stress about it. And if anyone mentions the state of your house, throw a chuck rag at them.

Do what you need to: it’s your body, your baby and your life. Whether it’s how you gave birth, the name you chose, when they sleep, if they have boobs or bottles, where they sleep, the type of pram you have, natural or modern stuff, slings or carriers, cloth or disposable nappies, what they wear, the state of your house, takeaway dinners for weeks – people will comment, some will try and make you feel shitty (they suck by the way) and you need to just take it in your stride. Ignore them, focus on you and your baby and do whatever the hell you need to do.

Leggings and squats: Babies mess up your bits. The nether bits, the front bits, all of the bits. If you are an exercise person and it’s your thing, get into it when you’re ready. If you’re not, don’t. Don’t feel pressured to run yourself into the ground. The bubba doesn’t give a rats if you can fit into your jeans again for a while, or ever. Your body that you’re frowning at just cooked up a whole human being so be proud of that (and demand a trophy). When or if you want to try and get some of your pre-baby body back, do it when it suits you. And only you.

Day by day: some days I found myself thinking “I can’t wait till they talk or crawl or walk or clap or make me a coffee”. The thing is, and everyone will tell you this and you’ll roll your eyes, it goes too fast. Way too fast. I walked around in a haze for the first few weeks and occasionally wished for the next milestone to hurry up because it was all so new and exciting. Before I knew it they’re in school and kindy and chatting away at the dinner table. Don’t get me wrong, I like my sleep, but I miss those early days and weeks and months. Soak in every minute of every day because before you know it they’ll be big and you’ll realise you missed that time that you cannot get back.

What did you learn after you had your little person?

K xx

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9 thoughts on “Lessons learned when I had a baby

  1. Yes, yes to every one. I learnt that I am no where near as patient as I thought! I learnt that this parenting caper is a whole lot harder than it looks. But, I also learnt to love more than I ever thought possible x

    • So many lessons! I knew I was not a very patient person beforehand and like to think I’ve gotten the tiniest bit better 😉 And I definitely agree, it’s a love like no other xxx

  2. OMG I laughed so hard reading this! I especially love the “chuck rag”, my daughter (7 months old) had reflux and I was constantly wiping her vomit up with those Missoni for Target wraps, stylish and practical!!! Great post xx

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  4. Pingback: Lessons learned with toddlers |

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