Kindness…..?

I’ve been writing and rewriting this post for a couple of weeks now. I know what I’m trying to say but can’t seem to say it as eloquently as it sounds in my thoughts. Anyway, I’ve given up trying to make it perfect. I’m not a writer (shocking I know) but I had something I want to say and to hear your thoughts on it, so here it goes.

What has happened to kindness? I know there are still kind people in the world, but nowadays it seems their voices are drowned out by the nasty ones. It’s a shame really.

Now that I’m a mum, I’m around more mums, I read more parent related magazines and articles, follow more mum-type social media pages and blogs. I do these things for a variety of reasons including to gather ideas and suggestions, ask for help, offer suggestions, learn new things and share things I know. I like to think of it as a community. Us mums have a pretty tough job, but when we stick together and support one another it sure does make life a little easier. But something is happening.

 

Every day I see, hear and read things where people are bitching, commenting, belittling, judging and criticising someone else. The worst part is, most of the time it’s unjustified, about something that has nothing to do with them and directed at someone they don’t even know! People seem to have their judgy pants pulled up way too high and filters that clearly need unclogging.

You know what I mean by ‘filter’ right? That little thing that sits somewhere between our thoughts and our mouth and catches the things we may think but just shouldn’t say. Everybody has had a filter malfunction at one time or another, when we say something and immediately regret it, wishing we could pick up the words and shovel them back in where they came from. But a little malfunction every now and then is completely different to what I’ve seen happening.

The internet is an amazing thing. It connects people, helps people, teaches people. As much as I love it and social media, it can be such a cruel place. Computers and laptops and mobile phones and tablets have all given a supposed licence to those people who feel bizarrely compelled to rip into a complete stranger. What I want to know its, would they walk up to that person in the street and scream the same abusive rubbish to their face? I doubt it. Bloody keyboard warriors.

For some reason, mums are among the worst offenders. And I can’t understand it! The sheer nastiness and judgement and blame and cruelty thrown through cyber space at a complete stranger is astounding. Mother’s attacking other mothers about their parenting styles, questions they ask, help they need, their child’s names for crap’s sake! Why? Does it may them feel better? Have they no ability to stop, even for a millisecond, to think about the effect their words can have?

 

Why is it so difficult to hold a comment back? Sure, think it. But why say it? The way I see it is, I don’t have to like what I read. I don’t have to agree with every comment or point of view. I also don’t need to comment about it and I especially do not need to attack someone for feeling differently to me. I move on. I read the next thing. Let.it.go.

If a mother is sharing a comment on how they raise their child, what they feed them, where they take them, how they discipline them, whatever the case may be; and it’s not the same as what I do with my boys, I’m not going to attack her for having her own way of doing things! Every child is different and no method of parenting is exactly alike. Each to their own I say. If your child is safe and happy and healthy then good on you. Give yourself a high five!

Many mums spend a lot of time judging themselves, second guessing decisions and wondering if we’re getting it right. It doesn’t make it any easier when we feel judged, by anyone, and especially strangers who don’t know us or our kids.

A mother wrote in anonymously on a FB page querying her daughter’s tantrums. A genuine request for suggestions from other mums on how to deal with it. She obviously wanted some help. We don’t know her, her daughter or anything else about her life. Someone actually wrote a comment stating that perhaps she shouldn’t have kids if she can’t handle her own. She was called a whinger, a bad mother, and worse. Seriously?

Asking for help takes bravery and courage. Some people find it so incredibly difficult to ask for help so when they take the step to actually ask, having a stranger shoot them down is devastating. Any fears they had about seeking assistance are all compounded, by a stranger sitting at their computer.

Asking for help is NOT an invitation to have others criticise you. So, ask for help. Ignore the assholes. You’re doing an amazing job and asking for help will only help you and make you stronger, for you and your child.

Another example. There’s a children’s clothing business I follow and it’s run by a mum. She posted her latest creations and someone felt the need to tell her how bad they were. For pete’s sake! Just don’t comment?!!! Don’t follow the page. Close.your.mouth.

Why can’t we all accept each other. Maybe that’s a naïve statement. Maybe I’m living in my own little world where everyone should just bloody well get along. Too much to ask?

What the actual hell happened to ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all’? I’ve experienced it. Not online, but in person or behind my back. I know none of you wonderful readers are one of  “those” people, but for anyone else out there waiting with poisonous fingers poised over their keyboards, I’ll give you some things that will really tug at the judgy pants:

Guess what peeps, I yell at my kids. Sometimes really loudly too (I say sometimes, I mean most times). Sometimes I don’t cook dinner (we still eat, don’t panic). Sometimes I won’t have a shower (just for a day, I’m not crazy). I don’t bath my boys every single day. My eldest needs to practice (his teacher told me) using scissors because I haven’t done enough crafty things with him. My house is cleanest in the 5 minutes before someone turns up to visit. I use my dryer all.the.time. I don’t read books with my boys as as much as I’d like to. Their lunchbox contents suck. It’s healthy but pretty damn boring. I’m not doing to cut out shapes in their sandwiches and draw eyes on their fruit because, well I just don’t want to. I’m a stay at home mum. I’m a single mum. I’m getting a divorce (ooohhh trifecta).

I didn’t breastfeed. I had uncooperative boobs and giant babies. It was my decision. Mine. Does my lack of breastfeeding my child affect you or yours?

I had two caesareans. TWO! Even if I’d chosen a caesarean, does my birthing method affect you and yours?

My kids have tantrums. Sometimes in public places. Other than the noise, how does it affect you? Does the way I deal with it affect the outcome of your day?

Does anything anyone else does, their parenting styles, the clothes they wear, their choice of names, what they look like, where they live, tall or short, big or small, whether they work or stay at home, if they eat take away food occasionally or cook three course meals each night, whether they fill lunch boxes with boring old sandwiches or works or art, if they’re having a bad day or have a cranky kid; does it affect you? Does it warrant a nasty tirade? It honestly, truly, really, really doesn’t. So please, please just stop. Stop with the comments and judgements and criticisms. Don’t roll your eyes or huff with exaggeration. Why not try a smile instead? Offer help if you think it’s needed. Give support. Be kind.

To the judgy ones, the people we know and the strangers we don’t and (my fave) the randoms in the shops that need to pass on their ‘wisdom’. To those of you who like to spew your negativity, pause for a second and have a look at your own life. Are you perfect? Have you ever needed help? Have you ever made a mistake or had a bad day? Before you make a comment, realise that you don’t know what has happened before that moment. You don’t know what the other person is going through. Think what you will, but walk away.

Nobody is perfect. I’m definitely not. But I refuse to judge or be nasty to another mother (or anyone really), or criticise her way of doing things. I have in the past, I’ll admit, and it’s not fair. What she does, has no affect on what I do. It won’t ruin my day or my children’s.

I choose to be supportive and positive.

So, today I hereby declare Raising Misters to be a judgement, bitchy, cruelty free zone. If you like to be nasty and judgemental for sport, unfollow and unlike my page. Thanks for stopping by but keep on moving. I won’t have it. You’re not welcome.

To the rest of you, I love your pretty, nice and supportive faces. You are amazing people, doing an amazing job. I appreciate each of you, and support all of you. Spread the love I say 🙂

Group hug x

 

 

*All images were found on Pinterest. Image 1: PepperSalt.com; Image 2: etsy.com; Image 3: Country Girl Glitz; Image 4: Pinterest (no source identified); Image 4: andsoweramble.net; Image 5: Pinterest (no source identified); Image 6: Quotes Queen; Image 7: Quotes Queen; Image 8: squidoo.com; Image 9: etsy.com; Image 10: wordsonimages.com; Image 11: mine 🙂